Life’s Lyrics

She walked next to him in the silence, knowing what she needed to say even though it was not something Mark wanted to hear. Rae could only glance at him in the corner of her eye, Mark was looking straight ahead making face number 5, contained anger. She hadn’t thought her original question had been such a hard, yet alone an uncomfortable one to answer, but then again, anything and everything could make Mark feel uneasy. Rae hated making Mark uncomfortable or anything that made him look at her like he had when she asked him if he had missed her. What is the look? you might ask. Well, it is one of disbelief, hurt, and uncertainty. Mark had used it on Rae on several occasions but this one ranked in her top two.  He’d been away for college only two weeks, but it had felt like months for her. Going from seeing him weekly, to occasional phone calls that lasted ten minutes and then him having to be pulled away from other unknown sources, was unbearable. When she asked the question he gave her the look and then said “I’m not going to answer that, because it won’t help either way and your just having one of your girl moments.”

Do you understand why she was hurt? All she wanted was a yes, even if it was a lie. Rae just was trying to see if she even mattered to Mark at all. That’s why, getting the look in this moment was ranked in her top two but it was the first that hurt the most and made her wonder all the time. Rae was in love with Mark, but Mark was not sure if he loved Rae. The tricky thing though is that Mark said it first.

It had been the night of prom and the two had been seeing each other for quiet awhile. After the dance and post-prom, Rae had invited Mark and two friends, who were a couple, to stay over night. They had put a movie in to fall asleep. The couple slept on an air mattress on the floor while Mark and Rae slept on the pull out couch, even though Rae’s mom said no to the idea. The other two had “fallen asleep” and Mark leaned over and asked Rae if he could get something to drink. So, the two went up stairs to make him some tea. After the tea was made Rae handed it Mark and they sat on the upstairs love seat. Mark took a sip and just smiled.

“What?” asked Rae. The first thing that came to her mind was that the tea did not taste very well and Mark was trying to be polite.

“Nothing,” he giggled to himself, “I just thought Marie and James would appreciate some alone time.”

Rae put her hands up to her mouth trying not to wake the entire household by laughing and let out a small giggle instead. “Oh, so you really weren’t thirsty?” she asked sarcastically.

“No, not really. It was basically just an excuse to get you alone.” He said this looking at her with face number 3, a goofy grin, for some reason it brought a sense of panic to Rae and she didn’t know what to say or do. Mark must have seen this in her eyes and just giggled again. He set down his tea, that was half way gone, and replaced the cup with her makeup caked face. “I love you” he whispered and kissed her gently on the lips. Right then and there, Rae lost her mind. She felt like she was on top of the world and nothing else could matter. Before this incident Rae always questioned if she loved him and always answered yes but she never knew how much she actually did.

He said it first. So what does that mean? What should I say? Does that mean we’re going to go out now? Rae’s mind was rambling. She had wanted to date him for the longest time but never had the guts to ask and when she did Mark was not ready for that kind of relationship yet. All she could do was respond in saying, “me too.” Then she thought about it and quickly added, “I mean I love you too. Not me loving myself, even though I do, its just…I’m gonna be quiet now.” Rae smiled her embarrassed smile and looked down. Mark just laughed again and pulled her in close. He put his arms around her and just held Rae there. To Rae this was paradise, she could be happy forever if he would only hold her like this. It was also the only place on earth where she felt truly safe, nothing could hurt her here, not even the devil himself. But she found out he could bite her later for it.

A couple days after prom and when Mark confessed his love, Rae was with him again. She had been thinking about what he said and simply asked, “So, what does this make us now? Are we finally going to go out?”

Mark looked at Rae surprised and just said, “I don’t know, not yet, not now.”

Rae could only stop in mid breath and look at him. He hadn’t even flinched to think about it. She almost got angry and asked, “Did you mean it when you said I love you? Cuz I did and I’d say it again.” That is when Mark gave her the look.

“No,” he said keeping eye contact, “it was more like I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else right now.” Rae just wanted to cry. Yes, she was happy that she was who he wanted and no one else, but if that was the case why didn’t he want to date her? Was Mark not afraid that she would find another man who did and leave him? But then the idea came to her.

“Are we ever going to date? And if not, is it because you want an easy way out? Because to me, that is what it seems like. That I am just the rebound. Is any of this true?”

Mark looked at her with face number 4, hurt. In that moment Rae wanted to take everything she said back, but knew it was too late. She always felt like this after she said something that would cause discomfort to him. Rae would rather be  hurt then hurt him. On top of it all, she would rather forgive and forget, then be angry and be forgotten. And that was her greatest fear, that Mark would get so angry and leave forever.

“Again, no. None of what you said is true.” Mark was walking toward her slowly, and uncertain because he did not know if Rae had truly calmed down yet. “You’re not a rebound, like I said I only want you. It’s just I have commitment issues, you know that Rae. So give me time.” All of this was said with such sincerity that Rae had wanted to believe him. But she had problems of her own. For some reason Rae couldn’t trust anyone, especially the ones she loved most. It could have been the after math of being abandoned by a past boy friend that never really ended the relationship, so Rae was left waiting for months for something. And it was him that she trusted the most, even when he was away and she was told he was with other girls, Rae just said they were his friends and that he would call or come see her soon. Rae never received one phone call, not one letter, in comparison to the many she had written. But now she had Mark, the one she wanted to trust so much, in front of her, and all she could think to say was bullshit and I’m sorry. Mark, like he did nights ago, pulled her into him. He kissed her on the head, held her tighter, and said, “trust me.”

And even as they walked, she did not trust him as much as she wanted to. It wasn’t that she was afraid that he would be unfaithful, even though they still were not dating, it was the fact that she was afraid he would leave her and never come back. He was her world, her breath of fresh air, but lately had a toxin that made it not so comforting. As Mark walked next to her, it felt like she was yards behind him. He was so close but so far away. Rae always wondered what she had done to push him that much of a distance from her. Lately, when he kissed her, it almost felt like it was out of pity but then other times his yearning came back. She did not know if it was her, like she had lost the sense of urgency in her lips or that she didn’t want to seem desperate. As she thought about it, the idea came to her. If it was her, the reason why it felt like pity, was because as they kissed she knew or thought see knew it was for different reasons.  She kissed him because she loved him more than life itself, he kissed her because, well honestly she didn’t know why.  All Rae knew is that he stayed with her and at times that was enough.

Rae glanced at Mark again and he was still walking, not as fast but still going. His face did not seem angry anymore just like he was in deep thought. She had said something’s she didn’t mean to say, or at least not out loud.  After Mark told her he wasn’t going to respond, Rae broke.

“Oh. Whatever. Well, I miss you, but you already know that so I guess it doesn’t matter. Well Fuck you, I am a girl, so I am a loud to have a few girly moments. And it would have helped, because I’m depressed and cry every day. So fuck you Mark Matthews.” The words came out so clearly, so precise that it shocked Mark. He knew Rae never swore unless she was really angry or frustrated. Rae had done this to him on only one other occasion.

It was spring and Mark had volunteered to help with the children choir during the school year. As an ending hurrah the kids and volunteers got to go a theme park called Atlantis. On their way back Mark called Rae and asked where she was. Rae was where she always was when Mark wasn’t around, in the computer room zooming around the Internet, trying to keep herself occupied.

“I’m on the Internet, why?” Honestly Rae was even surprised Mark had called her, but thrilled none the less.

“Oh, well, I’m coming to get you. So put on some clothes and sneak outside,” Mark said excitedly.

“Mark, are you serious?” Rae was looking outside the window to look for car lights. “Oh and by the way I do have clothes on silly.”

Mark was driving down a back road excited but also scared that it would not work like he’d planned. “Yes, I’m serious. So get your butt outside.”

Rae slowly got up out of her chair and turned off the computer. She went downstairs to act like she was going to sleep. After she had looked herself over in the mirror, she crept upstairs, down the hallway, and to the front door. The front door was the hardest part. Everything on the door was loud, the handle, the hinges, the locks, it was made to keep Rae inside.  After a few tries Rae managed to slip out the door without being heard. She walked slowly to the road and right as she did so Mark pulled up in his mint green Cadillac with the lights off.

Mark look scared shitless as Rae opened the door and held it shut as they drove up the road. He was afraid they would get caught, because that would be their luck. Rae and Mark went to the “secret” spot to park, which wasn’t all that secret to begin with, given that is seemed to be a busy road at times. When they reached their destination the two just talked for awhile. Asking how each others days were, if anything exciting happened, and then it progressed from there. After they had done their thing and Mark gave Rae his last slow kiss the two just sat there in silence holding each other. Moments passed and Rae giggled and decided to start a conversation.

“So I heard you and Kate were inseparable today,” she joked. Rae had been told by her good friend Brandon that the two had been with each other all day. Brandon and Mark did not like each other at all, so when Brandon saw this he felt like Rae was threatened, even though she wasn’t.

Mark just looked at her not angry or threatened and asked, “who told you this?”

“No one, its not a big deal. I was really just kidding.” Rae laughed to herself.

But Mark kept pursuing half heartingly laughing, “no really, who told you this?”

“Why does it matter? I know and don’t care.” With this being said Mark got up and sat  on his side of the car. “Mark, it’s ok. It’s not a big deal. I’m sorry I brought it up.”

Sternly Mark explained, “It does matter, because you not telling me, means you don’t trust me enough.” Mark wasn’t even looking at her. He wouldn’t for awhile.

“What? That doesn’t even make sense. I DON’T care if you were with Kate, or flirting or whatever went on. I trust you. So why does it matter if I don’t tell you who told me? You don’t like him in the first place.”

Mark was angry now, “Well I better take you home, we’ve been gone long enough.” With this he started the car and turned it toward her house.

It was quiet for awhile and Rae let it go. “It was Brandon ok? Fricken Brandon, because he worries about me. And I said I didn’t care if you were but your making it fucking feel like I should, like you were committing a crime and was caught. But honestly, for some reason it didn’t bother me…..” Rae cut herself off there. She was not going to say anymore because it wouldn’t help the situation.

Once again silence filled the car. Rae’s breaths of frustration could be heard but Mark was quiet as a winter morning. It was broken by a whisper, a breath of apology, but it was not said by Rae. Mark looked over at Rae and apologized. He continued by saying, “I know your angry…”

“I’m not angry,” Rae replied. ” I just don’t fricken understand.”

“Well I know your angry because you said fricken, and you never use that unless your mad.” As this was said he pulled up to her drive way and turned the lights off. “I’d kiss you now but I’d feel bipolar.”

Rae leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “I’m sorry I got mad, I’m sorry I brought it up, I’m sorry I wouldn’t tell you right away. Please don’t be angry at me.” Deep down Rae was a little bit angry but mostly as she said sorry.

“Me too, and it’s ok. Just go inside and go to sleep.”

Rae felt like Mike was pushing her away and out of the car. “Are we ok? Will we be ok? Because I’m really, really sorry, and I don’t want you to be mad at me.”

“We’re good, I swear. Now go, and don’t text me saying your sorry. ok? nite.”

Rae whispered “ok”, kissed him on the cheek again and got out of the car. Now in reverse she went back down stairs and tired to sleep. When she couldn’t she sent Mark a text saying “sorry “

But then he had forgiven her so easily. They were closer in those days; now the gap just kept getting wider. What Rae had said was truly how she felt deep down. Without Mark around she cried a lot, not knowing what to expect and feeling so alone. It did not help that knew that he was looking for his Ms. Awesome. That is what he called his dream girl; sadly Rae hoped she did not exist, because if she did Rae wouldn’t have a chance in the world. Mark always said that he wanted Rae to be able find her Mr. Awesome and if she didn’t find him and found that Mark was the best she could do, either way, she would be happy. Thing was, that Rae had already found her Mr. Awesome, he was walking right next to her, he was denying her of the thing she needed to hear the most.

Mark was the one for Rae and everyone seemed to see it except for Mark. The question was though, was Rae the one for him?  Did they have red string connecting them at the fingers like the Japanese stories said true lovers did? Was any of this, what Rae hoped and dreamed for, meant to be? She prayed it was with all of her heart.

Mark kept walking and finally Rae stopped. She watched him walk into the horizon as she felt helpless and alone. She sat at a near by wall to sort our her thoughts, How did we get here?  This is not what I wanted. This is not what I planned. God, I’m so stupid. Rae just wanted to sit on the wall for hours and cry, but she wouldn’t because Rae does not cry in public. There was a problem though, Rae had no where to go.

As Mark was walking he realized how quiet it was. Finally, for the first time in ten minutes he stopped and turned to look around. Rae was no where in site.  That was something Mark never thought Rae would do. She had always been there, always a few steps behind. He did not know what to think, the whole walk he had been thinking to himself while hearing her foot steps in rhythm with his. When he least expected it, she was gone. As he thought about turning around and looking for her Mark saw it, the storm. Mark decided to head back to his dorm and knew that he’d probably find Rae along the way.

But the thing is, he didn’t. Rae wasn’t at the dorms, in her van, she could be with other Madison friends, and that was Mark’s only other idea. When he called her she wouldn’t answer.  Well, she’ll come sometime or another… and to Mark that was that.

Rae sat alone that night underneath Abe Lincoln with so many emotions intertwined. Her heart was so full, but yet, it was so empty. She came to the realization that he had to care or he would not have put up with her for so long. But, as she thought about this it started raining. She had seen the clouds before when she decided to stop following Mark but decided not to heed their warning. Rae went to her pocket to grab her phone and only felt an empty pocket. When she searched her memory she realized it was still in her purse, which was continently in Mark’s dorm room. Rae did the only thing she could do, embrace the rain.

Three hours later

Mark was sitting in his room watching random videos waiting for Rae to come back. Suddenly a vibrating came from a purse that he didn’t notice there before. It was Rae’s and inside was her phone.  Mark picked it up recognizing the number.

“Hey, has she decided to come back yet?” It was Hope, another friend of Rae’s that was a student at the college.

“What?” Hope asked confusingly.

“Wait, are you saying Rae is not with you?”

Hope answered almost immediately, “No, I haven’t seen her all day. I assumed she was hanging out with you.”

“Oh, no she hasn’t been with me since six. I assumed she went to talk to you, Tom, or Em.” He was almost certain she had to be with one of them, but then thinking about it, it would have been hard for her to get in contact with any of them. “Well, do you know is she with Tom?”

“Tom is with me right now, he hasn’t seen her all day either. You should call Em, maybe she’s there.”

“Yeah, good point. I’ll call her and see. Bye.”

Hope interrupted him and said, “hey if she isn’t call us, we’ll help look for her.”

“Right, I will. But she’s probably with Em. Later,” and with that he hung up. He nervously went through Rae’s contacts to call Em. “Hey Em, this is Mark is Rae there?”

Em could hear the shakiness in Mark’s voice. “Um, no I haven’t seen her since yesterday at supper. Why?”

“Fuck,” Mark mumbled under his breath.

“Mark why? Is she missing? What did you do?” Em knew basically every detail about Mark and Rae’s relationship. She knew that Rae was going to ask him if he missed her, even though Rae was ify about it. Depression was also something Em knew about, she knew how it was slowly breaking Rae.

“It’s nothing, I just need to find her.”

She could hear Mark trailing off and before he hung up Em yelled, “Mark what did you say to her to make her leave? Because I know as well as you do that Rae would not walk away from you for a second, especially when she was here to be with you. So what did you do?”

Mark was astonished at what Em said, because he knew she was right. Faltering with his words he stuttered, “um, well. She asked me if I missed her, and I said I wouldn’t answer her cuz she was having a girly moment. She then blew up at me, telling me to fuck off, and how she was depressed and shit. I didn’t know what to say so I just started walking, and as I expected she followed, but silently. After awhile I noticed I didn’t hear her foot steps anymore and when I turned around, she wasn’t there.”

“Mark, she’s a girl! She’s allowed to have girly moments and she has been putting up with more shit then she should have to. All she wants to know is that you care, and how you actually feel. Her and I have had that conversation plenty of times.” Em didn’t say this harshly but more matter of factly then anything else. She had seen Rae hurting for awhile, and couldn’t understand how Rae could hide it so well at times, how a phone call could make her happy a minute at least. “And when you turned around, did you think that she went to talk to me about it?”

“Well, yeah, you’re her confidant; she pretty much tells you everything.” That was the truth, Em was the first person Rae would talk to, but Mark kind of assumed that.

“Yes, she tells me a lot, but not everything. Even when she’s depressed, Rae likes to pretend nothing is wrong. Sometimes it takes a lot of persuasion to get stuff out of her. But we’re wasting time, Rae’s been out in this rain for three hours, we’re going to be lucky if she hasn’t gotten hypothermia or mugged yet.”

The rain, Mark forgot all about it. A sudden sense of panic came over him. “I’m going to call Tom and Hope, maybe they can help us look, you want to search state street?.”

“Yeah, I’ll get a friend to go with me. Call me if you find her.” *Click*

He quickly went through the contacts and called Hope. “Hope, Rae is not with Em, so I’m going to start searching. What? Um, why don’t you look over the lake shore path with Tom because you seem to know that area. Alright? Yeah, and if you find her call me ok? Thanks. Bye.” Mark grabbed his coat and headed out into the storm. He was going to search around the main parts of campus, the places Rae had been to.

Two hours earlier

Rae was still sitting underneath the sixteenth president. He was keeping her slightly drier then she had anticipated but was not keeping the heat from leaving her body. Rae started wondering how long she had been here, sitting not knowing anything made time go slower. She had thought about finding a store to go into but she had no money, thus not being aloud to stay very long. Also, it was getting late and not many stores would be open for much longer. Rae’s mind starting wandering after while thinking about Lincoln, his life, being assassinated, trying to unite a nation while at the same time dividing it, all had to have been a huge amount of pressure for one man. As these thoughts came and went Rae became tired. She curled up and placed her head on the stone figures foot.

Present: 9:30 p.m.

No calls from anyone, meaning Rae was still missing. Mark had just turned off of University Avenue and headed up the hill. On top, sat Abraham Lincoln in all his glory. The rain hadn’t let up at all, if anything it was raining harder and the lightening had begun. Mark looked for the pink sweater that Rae had been wearing earlier that day. He peered inside of every door of the buildings only to understand that each and a lock on it that only students could access. Mark got half way up and realized that there was a parking garage near by and went to look there.  As he walked inside, he noticed how creepy they were at night. He searched the first floor, knowing Rae wouldn’t go up into the second, because for her the first would be scary enough. Mark walked out, and started back up the hill. Water rushed down the sidewalks making it slightly harder to get up the terrain.  He got half way up and started to look around. For a second Mark gave up hope, he turned to look up at Abe and saw it. Under Abe, sitting by his feet was something pink. Mark started running up the hill, slowly seeing that it was Rae’s sweater, and hoping she was with it. When he got close he saw her lying underneath the feet of the statue. Suddenly panic filled Mark and he raced up to Rae and grabbed her. “Rae! Wake up! Can you hear me? Rae?!” Her body was cold has ice, her lips blue as the ocean, every part of her was limp, and yet her face was calm and relaxed. Mark was full of dread and fear. Lifting up his arm and swinging it down, he slapped her. He just wanted her to wake up, to be ok. “Rae!”

When Rae opened her eyes, she saw an angel. But the thing was, the angel was crying. Rae could not understand what would cause him to weep in such a matter. Rae felt cold, but her face was being pressed against a warm hard surface. It took a second for Rae to remember where she was and who was with her. She could feel water falling upon her body. Rae took in a breath and could tell who she was with because of his smell.  Slowly Rae lifted her tired, weighted hand and touched the angels face. She glanced up at his tear soaked expression and waited for him to open his eyes. His hand took hers, and continued to cry. “Mark,” she whispered, “I’m sorry.”

That weekend, Mark came home. Rae was so excited and happy nothing could have changed her feelings.  It was saturday and she was sitting at her house waiting for the phone call. Primping and finding what to where was all the day entailed, she wanted to look good, and maybe it would make him miss her more later. With all that had happened, nothing had changed between the two. Around six the call came and Rae glowed.

“So, what should we do tonight?” Mark asked Rae even though he knew she didn’t know what she was going to do in a second.

“I don’t care, we can do whatever.” Rae honestly didn’t know what to do. She had been in the little town for so long that she felt there was nothing to do.

Mark always got a little bit fusterated when Rae did this. She was always indecisive and could never make a decision. “Well, think of some things.”

Rae hated this. She didn’t know what to do. There wasn’t much to do, but she thought of ideas and rambled them off all the same. He rejected every single idea but at least she tried. When he came to the house she was laying outside in the grass. Her eyes were closed and she was trying not to think. She found thinking to be her enemy, it brought out the worst of her.

Mark walked up to the limp body in the grass. The sight brought back images of a month ago, Rae lying under Abe blue and cold. Sometimes the thoughts would come back and he realized nothing had changed. He was still stuborn and wouldn’t use the dating word and if he would he’d add casual after it. Trust was the issue at hand. Rae only trusted him to a point, she didn’t want to be side swept when or if something ever happened.  Mark wanted her to trust him, he didn’t understand why she couldn’t. But on the other hand Rae couldn’t understand why Mark couldn’t commit, but she put up with it and hoped in the long run it would pay off.

“Hey,” Mark said cooly, trying to shake off the images that filled his head.

Rae opened her eyes and there was her angel. “Hi, how’s it going.” She flipped herself up and around so she would be looking at him straight on.

“Uh, fine. So what should we do?”

“I don’t know. We had this conversation, I don’t have a clue. I can’t think of anything, but I can do whatever. Sorry.” She futzed with the scarf she was wearing to protect her from the fall wind.

Mark could tell she felt bad that she couldn’t think of anything. Also she was sorry. Whenever Rae said sorry she really ment it because felt bad she couldn’t think of anything. “Well, do you want to go to the apartment until we think of something?” He had this in mind the entire time, but liked to make Rae think.

“Uh, yeah sure.” Rae was happy a decision was finally made. She got up and bounced over to the large cream van with Mark.